The Kentucky Derby, Big Brown, Obama, Hillary, McCain, Miley, Hunter, Gates, Decadence, and Depravity

by on May 3, 2008 updated April 19, 2014

 It’s Kentucky Derby day at Churchill Downs and I can just see myself sipping mint juleps and cavorting under the twin spires. Hunter S. Thompson said that “The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved” and I guess that what keeps the crowd coming back year after year. The parties, air show, great food, and the chance to see what may be the world’s greatest horse and next Triple Crown winner all happen at the Kentucky Derby.

 This year’s event will also have a special finale. After the thoroughbreds run, the leading Democratic presidential candidates are rumored to be holding their own contest, taking a lap around the track. It’s a do or die runoff, a sudden death overtime, a battle for all the marbles. Clinton and Obama will line up at the gate, burst onto the track, and end the whole stupid argument once and for all.

 Oddsmakers have Hillary pegged as a 1.5 to 1 favorite, with the stipulation she wear flats. Should she show up in stilleto heels, all bets are off. But Hillary’s edge comes from hard training. It’s said she pins a picture of Monica Lewinsky on the back of a Secret Service vehicle and chases it through downtown Washington, D.C. But these are just rumors and no sane person in horse racing would believe them. Obama meanwhile, is training by running as fast and far from every minister with a big mouth he runs across.

 By the way, the real horse racing world is looking for Big Brown to win from the outside, something that’s statistically equivalent to Bill gates showing up at Burger King in your hometown. Or Bill Clinton passing on a sorority panty raid. Or John McCain turning down donations from Colt Firearms. Or Miley Cyrus posing for racy pictures. Or Billy Ray Cyrus winning a Grammy. Or the Miami Dolphins going undefeated in 2008.

 Is the Kentucky Derby decadent and depraved? No, it’s just one ton of fun and the greatest horse race in America and it’s taken me too many words to say that. Adios.  

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