Saints Turn Cuts into Cold Cuts (Who Dat Hunger Games) – Satire

by on July 29, 2014 updated July 29, 2014

New Orleans Saints to Eat Excess Free Agents


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Saints LogoThe New Orleans Saints are currently in training camp in West Virginia, a move away from their home base of New Orleans. The change to holding training camp on the road, as opposed to staying at home, is the result of a lengthy analysis by Saints Head Coach Sean Payton and Mickey Loomis. While it would have been less expensive to continue using the Saints facility in Metairie, there are decided advantages to an NFL training camp that gets players and coaches away from familiar surroundings.

“We’ve analyzed our play at home versus our play on the road,” said Mickey Loomis, “and quite frankly we need to play better on the road. Starting early and holding training camp on the road gets us in that traveling mind frame.” Loomis is also very happy with the milder weather in West Virginia, which allows longer and more intense practices without being as physically draining. The move comes with a price though, and like all good NFL GM’s, Loomis has an answer.

“When we first started talking about this, the financial factor was a huge consideration. We’ve invested millions of dollars in creating a facility that meets the needs of an NFL team. Practice fields, locker rooms, film rooms. It’s an expensive move but we feel it could pay off in wins and home field advantage.”

One of the biggest challenges, and expenses, is feeding an NFL team that consists of large men with large appetites. “We had to find a way to keep these guys eating a healthy diet without breaking the bank,” said Loomis. The Saints did just that in an ingenious move that’s sure to filter through the rest of the cost conscious NFL.

“We’ll be bringing in a good number of free agents from around the country,” Loomis explained, “Big guys who might have a shot at making the team. Each player will get an opportunity to compete on the field. If we feel he doesn’t have a legitimate shot at making the roster, we’ll carve him up like a Christmas turkey and serve him in the dining room, thus saving us the cost of several hundred pounds of meat in the final weeks of camp.”

“It’s a win, win situation. The players gets a chance to be on an NFL team, we get a possible gem in the rough, and if it doesn’t work out, our roast beef bill goes down by several percentage points. Overall, it’s an effective method of cost control.” Loomis does have one concern though. “Some of these guys have a high fat content. You start cutting them up and you lose a large percentage by weight.” To counter that loss, the Saints purchased several large boiling pots and intend to make their own soap from leftover free agent fat. With ideas like this, it’s no wonder the New Orleans Saints are considered a Super Bowl contender.

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